Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
