Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
send nudes
from the living room?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
