I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
jump out the window naked night went bad
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
