I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
