I accidentally had phone sex last night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
