i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
