I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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