I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
