I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
