I wish my penis had an off switch
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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