Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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