mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
