planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
