my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
