She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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