You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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