Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
