I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
