You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
