oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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