you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
