You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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