Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
