what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
