You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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