normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
