Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
