i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
