I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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