3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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