Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
