I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
