If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
