a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
