Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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