Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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