Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
