I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You made out with two different species that night
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
