Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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