Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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