i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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