yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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