i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
