I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
