You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
