How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
