he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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