Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
