i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
