when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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